Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
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Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.