Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf