Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
You Might Also Like
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)