Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
This bar smells like my childhood.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
So sick of all these stupid rules
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
peak technology
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.