Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

Rich people don’t understand cereal

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

forgive me baja for i have blast

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.