Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
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A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
dads on road-trips be like
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*