Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
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Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.