Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

good morning

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu