Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
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What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly