Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

Am I having a stroke?

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.