spot the difference
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“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one