[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
You Might Also Like
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
💯😂
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now