[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
You Might Also Like
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
me and my fake scenarios
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.