[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.