Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

This bar smells like my childhood.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

Smallpox sounds so adorable

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.