Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
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With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
when you don’t want to be too vague
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.