Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

🧠

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.