Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack