As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and