Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?