Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

By Kate Hatos

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.