Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
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2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
🤣😂🤣😂
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Yep.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves