Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
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Why is no one talking about this?!
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People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
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The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.