Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
me, after any kind of buffet.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
SQUARREL
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism