Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
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I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
#Caturday
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*