Spotted in New Orleans.
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Mouse
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet