Spotted in the wild
You Might Also Like
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Priorities
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Now colored!
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again