Spotted in the wild
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Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
thinking about a very short hotdog
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”