Spotted in the wild
You Might Also Like
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Good morning!
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
100% of divorces begin with marriage.