Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
You Might Also Like
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.