Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

this has to be peak English

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.