SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
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I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Worth remembering.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us