Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

Coffee is ready.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

There’s always that one guy

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*