Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
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Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Not today, today.
Not today.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*