Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
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Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I didn’t realize that was an option
North and South
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually