Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in