Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.