Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.