@SamuelHLowe
– Hello, princess. Can I call you princess?
– No.
– OK then, Mr. Smith, let’s just get started with your prostate exam.
@truegritrumble
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
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@SamuelHLowe
@RidiculousSheri
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
@SharpeBytes
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
@figgled
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
@batsVsupes
@MavenofHonor
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
@climaxximus
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
@HatfieldAnne
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
@CauseWereGuys
When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.
@DaddyJew
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.