@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

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@iamspacegirl

[Wall Street]

ME: haha Hump Day, amiright?
HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes*
ME: eh? *nudge*
HD: Dude don’t-
ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit

@ClichedOut

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

@3sunzzz

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

@imence2

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

@daddyville

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

@TheTweetOfGod

Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.

@nathanfielder

Experiment: text your parents “got 2 grams for $40” then right after “Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you” Then tweet pic of their response.

@chelliet22

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

@McMcmadmac

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

@AddledPixie

Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.