ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

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– Hello, princess. Can I call you princess?
– No.
– OK then, Mr. Smith, let’s just get started with your prostate exam.


I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!


A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now


TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍


Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases


chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind


Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.


My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.