ME: haha Hump Day, amiright?
HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes*
ME: eh? *nudge*
HD: Dude don’t-
ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.
Experiment: text your parents “got 2 grams for $40” then right after “Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you” Then tweet pic of their response.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.