SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
got so much cardio in today
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall