@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

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@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

@ruinedpicnic

me: honey, I’m home!
[shuts door]
girlfriend: (from bedroom) oh yeah harder
me: if you say so
[slams door]

@nbadag

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

@highwayhooligan

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

@DanaSchwartzzz

the best part of Fight Club is how some guys saw Edward Norton punching himself in a parking lot and thought “hell yeah i’m on board”

@Stap_Jr

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

@DanMentos

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

@subtweetopath

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

@ericsshadow

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

@MissHavisham

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.