spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.