Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained