spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.