Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

Ooops wrong house😂😜

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.