Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.