Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

The Book. The Movie.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t