*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK