*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
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I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
How do you like your Corgi?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.