*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
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“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years