*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
About to throw up
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending