I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.