Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

A wise man once said nothing.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.