Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

Happy birthday to all the women

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

thanksgiving should be called feaster

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.