Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

War & Peace

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Wolves should really raise more people.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Oh no

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick