Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.