Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

fair

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

Tough love is true love

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear