Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

just leave it at the foot of the bed

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten