Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
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‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.