Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
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IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.