Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
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I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Accurate
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.