Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
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Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
no one likes gloating
