[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
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Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??