[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
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My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL