Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”