Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.