*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
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i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
This meeting could have been a cake
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.