*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
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Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Weirdos gonna weird.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!