Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

But that’s none of my business

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*