*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
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pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Important reminders
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
is this how new cars are made??
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤