Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
What if all the cashiers are married?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
when mom throws a party…
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it