Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
🖤✌🏽
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife