Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech