@realfunghi

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

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@sarcasticmommy4

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

@Be___Dope

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

@Sarcasticsapien

Congratulations, “journalists” who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn’t know you could get a degree in teenage girl.

@itsboyschapter

My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.

@Huber138

Me: Would you like to be a model?
Her: yes
Me: are you comfortable with nudity?
Her: Sure
Me:

@MaryJustice86

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

@6stringSpecial

Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.

@MrJamesCosgrove

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

@lindseyallen

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.