Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
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Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler