Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
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Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Noah
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
