Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

Looking at you, Jesus.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

is this store having a stroke wtf

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

True story 🤣