Spring cleaning checklist…
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Breaking news:
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.