Spring cleaning checklist…
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons