@obviousplant_

Spring cleaning checklist…

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@dumbbeezie

Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”

@UnFitz

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

@KevinHart4real

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

@ankles_so_weak

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

@TheToddWilliams

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

@ArfMeasures

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

@JCWisdomNuggets

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

@Intooblivion3

Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.

@Reverend_Scott

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!