Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
You Might Also Like
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Me: I can鈥檛 get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that鈥檚 a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who鈥檚 my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can鈥檛 even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
my ex boyfriend鈥檚 cousin鈥檚 girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I鈥檝e still got the juice 馃槑
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I鈥檒l take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can鈥檛 you just wear a toga?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house