Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.