Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
You Might Also Like
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Lmao
