Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
boys are so easy to impress
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
TEETH IS INNOCENT
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds