Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.